apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we're making bets on your personal life
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
