I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
