We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
His nipple licking is glorious
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