I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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