How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
