i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
