Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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