i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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