the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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