pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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