I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
