I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
