I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize