He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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