I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
