watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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