it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
