Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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