I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
