its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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