She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
