sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
