were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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