Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
