Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
