I'm really into asian looking animals
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
