God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
