I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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