I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
