I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
