and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
