I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
