Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
