and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
