is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I'm passing your future prison.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just googled if crying burns calories
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
