So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
