I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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