dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
