Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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