Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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