my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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