i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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