i don't like sucking hair
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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