Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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