Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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