At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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