mondays should just be called national damage control day
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
