About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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