Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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