guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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