Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
