i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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