hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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