I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
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She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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