I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
