My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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