In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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