Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
